The Trouble with Murder Mansion

So the day has finally come, and my roommates and I are officially residents of Murder Mansion. So far it's going pretty well, but there are some decidedly sinister things afoot in that place.

First of all, I think our modem is haunted by the ghost of Alfredo (this is our ghost in case you have forgotten! It has now emerged that he was not Mexican, but Honduran!) . When our landlord told us the story of the gruesome murder, he mentioned that both of the guys were supposed to go paint a fence but backed out of the job halfway there because they lacked self-confidence. This part of the story always seemed irrelevant to me, but now it all makes sense. Our internet connection seems to be working even though the cable company hasn't set up yet, but last night the modem got halfway through receiving data from the internet but then decided it lacked the confidence to finish the job and disconnected.

Not only that, but any music that is played in the apartment sounds to the human ear like it is being played on a flamenco guitar with Spanish lyrics. To hear Ol Dirty Bastard played in such a fashion bends the mind in ways that would drive the unitiated mad. Also my closet door broke and I think a ghost is responsible. There were some heart-shaped cookie molds as well. Heart-shaped cookies are sinister.

Despite these sinister occurrences, this is basically the lamest haunting I have ever heard of. However, I know people who would think our place was like something out of MTV Fear, where if you stand in the spot where Alfredo got iced for 5 minutes you will be possessed or killed by a demon or something. Maybe I'll set up a webcam in the living room to scan for evil spirits and find out FOR REAL.

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A few minutes I read ago that Sean Kingston, the guy who does that Beautiful Girls song, is 17. He has a line in that song about getting sent away for doing his first crime in 1999. Nine years old. Tupac didn't even get in trouble with the law that young. Lindsay Lohan didn't even get arrested that young. This kid is a damn hooligan. Thugs and gangsters, these "gangster rap" "artists."

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INTERNET POLICY FUN FACT: www.ncssmalumni.com is blocked for being recognied under the classification "Games." www.addictinggames.com is not blocked.

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All this talk about Alfredo has made me wonder, when anybody else hears about some crazy, multi-step killing like this, do they think about the order in which everything went down before the realization of "wow, that's horrible" sets in? The article says:

Authorities said Carlos Leon Sanchez, 44, admitted responsibility for Alfredo Sandoval Rodriguez's death. Investigators said Rodriguez was stabbed more than 100 times, struck with a claw hammer, possibly strangled and decapitated.

In addition, Rodriguez's heart was cut out and set on the floor of the condominium, authorities said. The body was found Wednesday.

See, I would think the claw hammer would come first, to knock him out, followed by the stabbing, then the decapitation, and finally the heart removal. The last two steps could easily be reversed, but my gut tells me this was not the case.

For the sake of interactivity, let's say the cops find a body that was strangled, electrocuted, repeatedly slammed to the ground, and drowned. In what order would you think these things happened? I don't know the answer but I bet Michael Vick does! BOOYA!

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IMPORTANT UPDATE FROM LAST TIME: The premium restaurant on Holland America cruises has been around for years apparently, and the normal dining room food is still first-rate, so crisis averted there. Still no word on the geriatric lesbians.

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I have not kept up with many video games lately but if you have a Nintendo DS and like Sudokus and puzzle games of that sort, you should get Picross DS tomorrow. It is very hard to find Picross-related anything despite there being 9000 Sudoku books in every Barnes and Noble, but what can you do. You basically fill in some blocks and make a picture with logic and it's pretty fun. It's only 20 bucks so I mean what the hell what do you have to lose? I mean, besides your LIFE (applies to residents of Murder Mansion only)!!!

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It is lunchtime so I am going to go eat and then come back here and report on it because WHO DOESN'T LOVE READING BLOGS ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S LUNCH:

Went with the spicy chicken sandwich and onion rings since the alternative was Pork Normandy, or pork tenderloin cooked in apples and onions, and I ain't want no damn onions in my apples. The sandwich is plain at best but the onion rings are surprisingly good for cafeteria food. Very crispy and fairly light on the grease. The trick is to use a lot of oil at a very high temperature! I'm drinking cold water. It's my drink of choice. I can't get enough of the stuff.

Anyway, I'm glad this whole idea of naming foods after places where a bajillion people died hasn't caught on, or you'd be seeing things like Pearl Harbor Shrimp and Aushwitz Salmon and Macaroni a la Abu Ghraib and Murder Mansion Meatloaf, and that would just be depressing.

Speaking of, if you saw a morbidly obese man, we're talkin 450lbs+ waddling down the street and a tiny dog leaped into the air, bit him on the willy, and vanished as suddenly and mysteriously as he had appeared, how would you respond? Me, well, first I'd laugh but then I'd be like "oh my gawd."

Anyway, the onion rings are good.

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WERE YOU PRIVY TO THIS INFORMATION??: In 1489, only 3 years prior to Columbus sailing the ocean blue, the most important historical event occurred on March 26, when the Treaty of Medina del Campo between England and Spain was signed, including a provision for a marriage between Arthur, the son of King Henry VII of England, and Princess Catherine of Aragon. WHO GIVES A RAT'S ASS ABOUT 1489 CAN WE JUST REMOVE THIS YEAR FROM HISTORY PLEASE? NEWS FLASH EVERYBODY IT'S ACTUALLY 2006 RIGHT NOW, AMERICA WAS ACTUALLY FOUNDED IN 1775, AND JIMMY V ACTUALLY WON THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP IN 1982 NOW THAT WE HAVE DONE AWAY WITH THAT STRAIGHT UP BITCH OF A YEAR! I am sorry to use such coarse language but I am passionate about bringing these facts to you.