Comedy is no laughing matter

I'm feeling uninspired tonight, so all the credit goes to my good friend Carlowen for this one. We were discussing hilarious sitcoms like The Beverly Hillbillies, when he decided to drop a truth bomb on the frivolity:

"You know, there were a lot of instances in real life when a rich coal or ore vein would be found on some small land-owner's property in Appalachia. What would happen was that the mining companies would perform the following maneuver: they would ask the family to sell the land to them, at which point they promised to give back the surface rights and they would make some money on it. Most of the time they explained it in the most complicated manner possible, and usually gave sums of about $100, around the turn of last century. Most of the time, they just thought that that was how they were supposed to make money off of it, some of them had no knowledge of how the value of currency had changed in more populated places, and some of them just knew that they would sign a paper and get $100.

Well, I remember hearing stories of the people who had the surface rights losing their means of living off of the land when the companies' equipment messed everything up, or sometimes they just ignored the agreement and built everywhere or even did mountaintop removal. They say that the original owners either moved somewhere else or wound up working in the mine themselves.

Anyway what I am saying was that this would have made a great setup for a comedy."

Carlowen is a very smart fellow. I mentioned Hogan's Heroes as another sitcom based in a setting that was absolutely bubbling with comedy, a Nazi POW camp. Once again his knowledge of these things was encyclopedic:

"Remember that one episode when the prisioners were forced to dig their own grave before the firing squad and they struck their own tunnel, ducked as if they had been hit when the shots were fired, and then escaped through the tunnel, demolishing it as they left? Then they just showed up back at the camp when colonel Klink came back and they said that if he said anything, that he would get sent to the Russian Front for sure for letting it be known that he let them get away!

Remember that one episode, when the radio operator was forced to shove his comrades into the oven, but they kept escaping through a trap door inside of the oven, and then running around and getting back in line and repeating until Sholtz lost count and they said that if he said anything he'd get sent to the Russian Front for sure?

There was this one episode where the prisoners were deprived of food as a punishment for one of them fainting in the fifth hour of roll call, and then Hogan and his heroes started eating the rubber insoles in their shoes and got huge disfiguring blisters during their 30 hour work days a result.

Yes I watched all of these. They were pretty hilarious."

I was thinking about making a sitcom based on To Catch a Predator. Maybe Chris Hansen could be roommates with a notorious child pornographer, and Chris Hansen keeps trying to catch him in the act but the roommate keeps narrowly avoiding his traps? I have made a note of it!

---

I got new earbuds but they're "surround sound" and don't fit well in my ears. I SAVED MY RECEIPT AND THEY ARE RETURNING TO THE STORE PROMPTLY.

---

I don't believe I have mentioned this here, but I am taking a trip to Alaska on August 11th for exactly one week. It's a big family vacation with Holland America cruises, and I don't really know what to expect, except that I'm going to eat nonstop for 168 hours. I am going to cram steak and foie gras down my gullet until I can't walk, and then I'm going to cram some more. Are you curious to see the boat? Of course you are! HERE IS THE BOAT:

Wow! Look at it go! This baby is named for the eastern compass point! I didn't even know the eastern compass point had a name! I just did my britches with excitement!

Here are some features offered on this marvel of modern engineering:

• The Culinary Arts Center, presented by Food & Wine magazine, is the setting for gourmet cooking demonstrations and interactive classes
• The two-tier Vista Dining Room features impeccable service and an extensive wine list, and offers five-course menus, from continental cuisine to vegetarian and low-carb options (editor's note: I am going to eat everything except the vegetarian crap! Unfortunately, it sounds like the really fancy-schmancy stuff costs an extra 30 bucks at dinner now. If this is the case, I am going to choke somebody. I don't need to eat off of fancy damn China; I'll eat Kobe beef off a folded up napkin if it comes down to it. And then I could wipe my hands with my plate afterward as well.

Here are some of the options offered at the fancy restaurant:

Entrees may include Pan-Seared Rosemary Chicken with Cranberry Chutney, Grilled Sea Scallops with Marjoram Pomodoro Coulis, served on curried Hollandaise spinach with fried capers, or Lamb Rack Chops with Drizzled Mint Sauce. Also available are premium “Sterling Silver” hand-selected cuts of beef unsurpassed in tenderness and taste, including bone-in Delmonico rib-eye steak, center-cut Porterhouse steak and two sizes of filet mignon. Side dishes will feature such choices as Washington Spuds au Gratin, Grilled Asparagus avec Béarnaise and Sautéed Button Mushrooms. Delectable desserts, featuring Pacific Northwest ingredients include Warm Grand Marnier Chocolate Volcano Cake, Lemon Berry Angel Shortcake, and Not-so-Classic Baked Alaska.

I am 99% sure that on the last cruise I went on, all this crap was available for no additional charge in the main dining room. Allow me to reiterate, if they are serving Mom and Pop's Chicken Fried Steak in the main dining room now, I am going go buckwild. And probably get banned from future Holland America cruises.

Ahem. Back to the list, then.)

• The Loft, designed exclusively for teens to have fun, socialize and hang out with people their own ageLet me interrupt here to make note of the highlights of The Loft:

• A modern environment with music, videos and a video karaoke system, as well as a state-of-the-art sound and laser light systems for dancing
• A big-screen television to watch the latest music videos and movies
• A nine-foot high water fall, cave and wade pool to cool off from the sun

Are kids really too stupid to find something to do on an Alaskan cruise besides watch music videos and frolic in a waterfall cave to shield themselves from the scorching Arctic sun? Ugh

Anyway. There's really not a lot up there but snow and ice so I guess I can sorta understand it, but still. I think with the way the tickets worked out I'm sharing a room with my parents, but dammit if I want to drink and gamble all night and then go shack up with some random boat hoochie I am gonna do it nonetheless!

I'm honestly a bit concerned about this last bit though, because I think Holland America tends to cater to an older crowd. IS A WATERFALL CAVE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU YOUNG WHIPPERSNAPPERS? IN MY DAY WE HAD TO SIT IN SHACKLES AND PADDLE THE GOD DAMN BOATS OURSELVES AND INSTEAD OF WINE AT DINNER THEY GAVE YOU A CRUST OF BREAD AND MADE YOU SOP UP YOUR OWN BLOOD SWEAT AND PISS WITH IT AND THAT IS WHAT YOU ATE FOR DINNER! AND WE LIKED IT! But you know, maybe there will be some single broads over 17 but under 30. That'd be sweet. Here's a look at the nightclub the ship offers, at least. It just better not be a bunch of old biddies in there swing dancing to Django Reinhardt songs.

I guess am very apprehensive about this whole thing considering it's a free cruise.

On a more bizarre note, the cruise website does mention the "Single Partner Program" which is described thusly:

Each Holland America ship hosts a Solo Travelers party for singles to meet each other early during their cruise. Solo travelers enjoy enriching activities with mixers, cocktail parties, games and more. In total, there are more than 40 activities to meet other singles including: exercise classes, enriching lectures (select departures), line dance class, wine tasting and cooking demonstrations, Team Trivia contests, the daily quiz, sports challenges and more. Many of our Single Partner Program guests have become fast friends and some even book future Holland America cruises together.

Okay, that sounds pretty normal, right? Let the single old people date, cool, cool. But here is the picture at the top of the page:

And in case you're thinking, "Oh, that's obviously just a random picture of course," the filename is single_main.jpg. It was hand-picked for this section of the site. I am going on a cruise filled with old, interracial, lesbian swingers.

It's like Golden Girls and The Love Boat all rolled into one and by god I don't like it. On the other hand, I guess this would have made a great setup for a comedy...