Back to Business

I have been away from here for far too long and I feel a deep sense of remorse for this. It has been a terribly busy few days but things have cooled off and I am ready to blog once more. In some ways this seems like a dangerous venture, because within the next two weeks, anytime someone asks me how my day was I'll just be like STOP RIGHT THERE and hand them a notecard with the blog address on it and be like "educate yourself before you start asking me these infantile questions; I am an important blogger on the internet." I am predisposed to doing things like this.

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I spent Saturday furniture shopping with mom and dad and Sunday furniture building, neither of which were as painful as expected. Mom also brought up a blueberry cobbler which was pretty hella, although everyone knows blackberry is the supreme cobbler. Anyway, now I have a desk with a cherry finish and an oak bookcase and a metal bed and a blue chair. Nothing matches at all, really, but hopefully I'll be able to cope. My new mission is to find stuff to put on the walls, give the place some character and all. Suggestions are welcome.

Friday I have to sit over at the new condo (referred to as Murder Mansion from here forth) from 2-6 with nothing to do waiting for the delivery guys to bring the bed, so that should be tons of fun. If anybody wants to hang out with Alfredo's ghost and me that would be swell.

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Anyway, I need to give a shining recommendation to a new show on the BET Network called "Hell Date," which is kind of like Blind Date mixed with Punk'd or something. People go on a date with an actor or actress who makes who makes the date horrible by having a stalker ex, wanting a threesome with their morbidly obese (BIG UPS TO MAH BOY T-ZONE FOR CATCHIN DIS OMISSION) sister, or various other means, and then a midget in a devil suit runs out to tell them they're on hell date. The midget is a much better device than Ashton Kutcher and you get to hear awesome dialogue like this:

GUY: She tells me she has a twin sister, and one is like wow, but
two.

Flames shoot across screen before guy finishes statement

It's pretty sweet. We got dat junk on Tivo.

Speaking of BET, I went to the flea market at the fairgrounds yesterday and picked up some stunna shades. For eight bucks, the cost to stunna ratio is unbeatable. I'm working on my thizz face to complete the experience. If only I could find enough people to go in on a shortbus to convert into THE ULTIMATE TAILGATE MACHINE before football season so we could ghostride around the fairground lot, that would be awesome.

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Which reminds me, does anybody with money want to start a business venture with me? Considering that The Brewery is the best concert venue in Raleigh right now in the wake of Kings Barcade getting demolished for a parking deck, it seems like starting a new, suck-free one somewhere would be a pretty good idea. That is, unless everybody in Raleigh actually does love terrible hardcore bands all of a sudden and nobody told me about it. We would boast such features as bands and beers and good acoustics. Let's make this happen.

As it stands, here are the upcoming shows in the Triangle that I'm looking forward to. These are all in Chapel Hill, coincidentally.

• Ted Leo and the Pharmacists - Aug. 10 at Cat's Cradle (I don't even know if I can make this one though, due to the upcoming Alaska cruise.)
• Neil Hamburger - Sept. 5 at Local 506
• Okkervil River - Oct. 2 at Cat's Cradle
• Bonde Do Role - Oct. 13 at Local 506
• Stars - Oct. 26 at Cat's Cradle

And let's be honest, if a dump like Local 506 can get decent acts, there's no reason that any place in Raleigh shouldn't. Just sayin.

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In other news, I am going to pick up a grill after work in exchange for showing my boss how to use bittorrent and get Grateful Dead concerts on his iPod. That's a pretty sweet deal.

In celebration I will provide some recipes in this and future updates for things I would like to grill in the coming months.

Jalapeno Bacon Cheeseburgers

Spicy Ranch Sauce

• 1 cup mayonnaise
• 1 cup sour cream
• 1/2 cup chopped fresh cilantro
• 6 tablespoons fresh lime juice
• 4 green onions, finely chopped
• 2 tablespoons minced seeded jalapeño chile
• 1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper

Burgers

• 2 pounds ground beef
• 1 small onion, chopped (about 1 1/4 cups)
• 1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley
• 2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
• 1 tablespoon chopped seeded jalapeño chile
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon ground black pepper
• 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper

Worcestershire-Coffee Glaze

• 1/3 cup light corn syrup
• 2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
• 2 tablespoons ketchup
• 1 teaspoon instant coffee crystals
• 2 teaspoons (packed) golden brown sugar
• 3 tablespoons butter

Other

• 16 bacon slices
• Nonstick vegetable oil spray
• 8 hamburger buns or 3- to 4-inch square focaccia rolls, split horizontally
• 8 lettuce leaves
• 2 cups coarsely shredded sharp white cheddar cheese

Preparation

For spicy ranch sauce:

1. Whisk all ingredients in medium bowl to blend.
2. Season sauce with salt and pepper.

For burgers:

1. Gently mix all ingredients in large bowl.
2. Form mixture into eight 1/2- to 3/4-inch-thick patties.
3. Place on small baking sheet.
4. Cover and chill at least 2 hours and up to 1 day.

For glaze:

1. Stir first 5 ingredients in small saucepan over medium heat until coffee is
   dissolved.
2. Remove from heat.
3. Whisk in butter.
4. Season glaze to taste with salt and pepper.

Cooking

1. Prepare barbecue (medium-high heat).
2. Working in batches if necessary, cook bacon in large skillet over
   medium-high heat until crisp and brown.
3. Transfer bacon to paper towels to drain. Spray grill rack with nonstick spray.
4. Toast buns until golden, about 2 minutes per side. Transfer buns, cut side up, to plates.
5. Grill burgers 5 minutes, basting with glaze.
6. Turn burgers, baste with glaze, and grill until cooked to desired doneness,
   about 5 minutes longer for medium.
7. Press cheese atop each burger and allow cheese to melt.
8. Place some sauce, then 1 burger on each bun bottom.
9. Top each with 2 slices bacon and desired additional toppings. Cover with bun
   top. Serve with remaining sauce.

Now tell me that doesn't sound delicious