The Taxman Cometh

Today I was pondering American mythology, like often I do, and I realized: Is there another figure in American mythology so widely despised as The Taxman? Even traditionally hated characters like The Boogeyman have recently found friends, but this Taxman guy just can't catch a break. Musicians especially have it in for him; The Beatles most notably started the hate train with their song Taxman, but it quickly spread to all genres. Noted chillin' out expert Jimmy Buffett claims in his song Sunny Afternoon that the Taxman has "taken all his dough," and pop-punk pioneers The Descendents report in Everything Sucks that "Taxman came and took my money, now all my other bills are gonna be late." Even classic rockers like Creedence Clearwater Revival say in Fortunate Son that "when the taxman comes to the door, Lord, the house looks like a rummage sale." These statements seep and sop with resentment, but ironically, almost all members of the music community except Toby Keith claim to be liberal. Oh, the hypocrisy!

Personally, as a future lawyer, I am okay with the Taxman. Dude has a thankless job to do and he performs it with much efficiency. I like that.

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On an unrelated note, I'm flattered at the recent influx of people who want to use me as a booty call, but try to live within an hour of me or at least give a day's notice if you're gonna try and pull that. I do have a job, ladies. How do you think I stay so fly, so baller?

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Would anybody like to buy some really expensive toilet paper? It's only 30 bucks a roll; I would assume it is very soft. It's sold out right now but that's okay, since I assume you're not going to buy it anyway. I want to make a really expensive toilet paper with little flecks of gold leaf so it makes tiny little cuts on your butt, then you can sit in a big tub of liquor and get drunk all quick-like. It would truly be the Goldschlager of toilet papers.

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I WISH I HAD A POPULAR HAT.

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Brian, I don't know if you actually read this humble blog of mine, but I would argue that the great American Novel is not actually The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, but in fact To Kill a Mockingbird. I guess there's still some debate over whether that was ghostwritten by Truman Capote, but who cares, Shakespeare probably never wrote his own stuff either. If you disagree, I will debate you on this, but I can summarize my argument in one word: CHIFFAROBE.

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I don't think I've mentioned this here previously, but my latest bad R&B obsession is the omnipresent T-Pain. Dude's fat and ugly and can't sing, but somehow he's the hottest thing since potatoes right now. How can you not like a guy with lyrics like this, from the song Bartender:

She made us drinks
To drink
We drunk em
Got drunk
And now I think
She thinks I'm cool
She give a wink
I wink back
And now I think that
We gon have fun in the spot tonight

The drink/drink drunk/drunk rhyme scheme is pretty unstoppable. And this cat is pretty obsessed with winking his eye as a way to show that he "got the game;" he does it not only in this song but at least in R. Kelly's I'm a Flirt as well. Has anybody really done that since the 50's?

I hope one day I can be as talentless and successful as my boy T-Pain.