The Trouble with Murder Mansion

So the day has finally come, and my roommates and I are officially residents of Murder Mansion. So far it's going pretty well, but there are some decidedly sinister things afoot in that place.

First of all, I think our modem is haunted by the ghost of Alfredo (this is our ghost in case you have forgotten! It has now emerged that he was not Mexican, but Honduran!) . When our landlord told us the story of the gruesome murder, he mentioned that both of the guys were supposed to go paint a fence but backed out of the job halfway there because they lacked self-confidence. This part of the story always seemed irrelevant to me, but now it all makes sense. Our internet connection seems to be working even though the cable company hasn't set up yet, but last night the modem got halfway through receiving data from the internet but then decided it lacked the confidence to finish the job and disconnected.

Not only that, but any music that is played in the apartment sounds to the human ear like it is being played on a flamenco guitar with Spanish lyrics. To hear Ol Dirty Bastard played in such a fashion bends the mind in ways that would drive the unitiated mad. Also my closet door broke and I think a ghost is responsible. There were some heart-shaped cookie molds as well. Heart-shaped cookies are sinister.

Despite these sinister occurrences, this is basically the lamest haunting I have ever heard of. However, I know people who would think our place was like something out of MTV Fear, where if you stand in the spot where Alfredo got iced for 5 minutes you will be possessed or killed by a demon or something. Maybe I'll set up a webcam in the living room to scan for evil spirits and find out FOR REAL.

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A few minutes I read ago that Sean Kingston, the guy who does that Beautiful Girls song, is 17. He has a line in that song about getting sent away for doing his first crime in 1999. Nine years old. Tupac didn't even get in trouble with the law that young. Lindsay Lohan didn't even get arrested that young. This kid is a damn hooligan. Thugs and gangsters, these "gangster rap" "artists."

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INTERNET POLICY FUN FACT: www.ncssmalumni.com is blocked for being recognied under the classification "Games." www.addictinggames.com is not blocked.

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All this talk about Alfredo has made me wonder, when anybody else hears about some crazy, multi-step killing like this, do they think about the order in which everything went down before the realization of "wow, that's horrible" sets in? The article says:

Authorities said Carlos Leon Sanchez, 44, admitted responsibility for Alfredo Sandoval Rodriguez's death. Investigators said Rodriguez was stabbed more than 100 times, struck with a claw hammer, possibly strangled and decapitated.

In addition, Rodriguez's heart was cut out and set on the floor of the condominium, authorities said. The body was found Wednesday.

See, I would think the claw hammer would come first, to knock him out, followed by the stabbing, then the decapitation, and finally the heart removal. The last two steps could easily be reversed, but my gut tells me this was not the case.

For the sake of interactivity, let's say the cops find a body that was strangled, electrocuted, repeatedly slammed to the ground, and drowned. In what order would you think these things happened? I don't know the answer but I bet Michael Vick does! BOOYA!

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IMPORTANT UPDATE FROM LAST TIME: The premium restaurant on Holland America cruises has been around for years apparently, and the normal dining room food is still first-rate, so crisis averted there. Still no word on the geriatric lesbians.

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I have not kept up with many video games lately but if you have a Nintendo DS and like Sudokus and puzzle games of that sort, you should get Picross DS tomorrow. It is very hard to find Picross-related anything despite there being 9000 Sudoku books in every Barnes and Noble, but what can you do. You basically fill in some blocks and make a picture with logic and it's pretty fun. It's only 20 bucks so I mean what the hell what do you have to lose? I mean, besides your LIFE (applies to residents of Murder Mansion only)!!!

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It is lunchtime so I am going to go eat and then come back here and report on it because WHO DOESN'T LOVE READING BLOGS ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S LUNCH:

Went with the spicy chicken sandwich and onion rings since the alternative was Pork Normandy, or pork tenderloin cooked in apples and onions, and I ain't want no damn onions in my apples. The sandwich is plain at best but the onion rings are surprisingly good for cafeteria food. Very crispy and fairly light on the grease. The trick is to use a lot of oil at a very high temperature! I'm drinking cold water. It's my drink of choice. I can't get enough of the stuff.

Anyway, I'm glad this whole idea of naming foods after places where a bajillion people died hasn't caught on, or you'd be seeing things like Pearl Harbor Shrimp and Aushwitz Salmon and Macaroni a la Abu Ghraib and Murder Mansion Meatloaf, and that would just be depressing.

Speaking of, if you saw a morbidly obese man, we're talkin 450lbs+ waddling down the street and a tiny dog leaped into the air, bit him on the willy, and vanished as suddenly and mysteriously as he had appeared, how would you respond? Me, well, first I'd laugh but then I'd be like "oh my gawd."

Anyway, the onion rings are good.

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WERE YOU PRIVY TO THIS INFORMATION??: In 1489, only 3 years prior to Columbus sailing the ocean blue, the most important historical event occurred on March 26, when the Treaty of Medina del Campo between England and Spain was signed, including a provision for a marriage between Arthur, the son of King Henry VII of England, and Princess Catherine of Aragon. WHO GIVES A RAT'S ASS ABOUT 1489 CAN WE JUST REMOVE THIS YEAR FROM HISTORY PLEASE? NEWS FLASH EVERYBODY IT'S ACTUALLY 2006 RIGHT NOW, AMERICA WAS ACTUALLY FOUNDED IN 1775, AND JIMMY V ACTUALLY WON THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP IN 1982 NOW THAT WE HAVE DONE AWAY WITH THAT STRAIGHT UP BITCH OF A YEAR! I am sorry to use such coarse language but I am passionate about bringing these facts to you.

IMPORTANT UPDATE

Via Pitchfork Media:

"Trapped in the Closet", R. Kelly's sprawling, Puccinian ode to enclosed spaces, shall sprawl anew August 21, when ten additional chapters are tacked on to the end of the series' dozen on a Jive-issued DVD.

The new round of "Trapped" videos finds Kelly portraying an old man named Randolph, complete with a pot belly and a fake white beard that nearly falls off mid-scene, as well as a preacher in a gray Jheri-curl wig and garish orange suit. In one of the final chapters, Kelly's Sylvester character talks business with a "Sopranos"-esque mobster who is eating a giant plate of spaghetti.

That is all.

Comedy is no laughing matter

I'm feeling uninspired tonight, so all the credit goes to my good friend Carlowen for this one. We were discussing hilarious sitcoms like The Beverly Hillbillies, when he decided to drop a truth bomb on the frivolity:

"You know, there were a lot of instances in real life when a rich coal or ore vein would be found on some small land-owner's property in Appalachia. What would happen was that the mining companies would perform the following maneuver: they would ask the family to sell the land to them, at which point they promised to give back the surface rights and they would make some money on it. Most of the time they explained it in the most complicated manner possible, and usually gave sums of about $100, around the turn of last century. Most of the time, they just thought that that was how they were supposed to make money off of it, some of them had no knowledge of how the value of currency had changed in more populated places, and some of them just knew that they would sign a paper and get $100.

Well, I remember hearing stories of the people who had the surface rights losing their means of living off of the land when the companies' equipment messed everything up, or sometimes they just ignored the agreement and built everywhere or even did mountaintop removal. They say that the original owners either moved somewhere else or wound up working in the mine themselves.

Anyway what I am saying was that this would have made a great setup for a comedy."

Carlowen is a very smart fellow. I mentioned Hogan's Heroes as another sitcom based in a setting that was absolutely bubbling with comedy, a Nazi POW camp. Once again his knowledge of these things was encyclopedic:

"Remember that one episode when the prisioners were forced to dig their own grave before the firing squad and they struck their own tunnel, ducked as if they had been hit when the shots were fired, and then escaped through the tunnel, demolishing it as they left? Then they just showed up back at the camp when colonel Klink came back and they said that if he said anything, that he would get sent to the Russian Front for sure for letting it be known that he let them get away!

Remember that one episode, when the radio operator was forced to shove his comrades into the oven, but they kept escaping through a trap door inside of the oven, and then running around and getting back in line and repeating until Sholtz lost count and they said that if he said anything he'd get sent to the Russian Front for sure?

There was this one episode where the prisoners were deprived of food as a punishment for one of them fainting in the fifth hour of roll call, and then Hogan and his heroes started eating the rubber insoles in their shoes and got huge disfiguring blisters during their 30 hour work days a result.

Yes I watched all of these. They were pretty hilarious."

I was thinking about making a sitcom based on To Catch a Predator. Maybe Chris Hansen could be roommates with a notorious child pornographer, and Chris Hansen keeps trying to catch him in the act but the roommate keeps narrowly avoiding his traps? I have made a note of it!

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I got new earbuds but they're "surround sound" and don't fit well in my ears. I SAVED MY RECEIPT AND THEY ARE RETURNING TO THE STORE PROMPTLY.

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I don't believe I have mentioned this here, but I am taking a trip to Alaska on August 11th for exactly one week. It's a big family vacation with Holland America cruises, and I don't really know what to expect, except that I'm going to eat nonstop for 168 hours. I am going to cram steak and foie gras down my gullet until I can't walk, and then I'm going to cram some more. Are you curious to see the boat? Of course you are! HERE IS THE BOAT:

Wow! Look at it go! This baby is named for the eastern compass point! I didn't even know the eastern compass point had a name! I just did my britches with excitement!

Here are some features offered on this marvel of modern engineering:

• The Culinary Arts Center, presented by Food & Wine magazine, is the setting for gourmet cooking demonstrations and interactive classes
• The two-tier Vista Dining Room features impeccable service and an extensive wine list, and offers five-course menus, from continental cuisine to vegetarian and low-carb options (editor's note: I am going to eat everything except the vegetarian crap! Unfortunately, it sounds like the really fancy-schmancy stuff costs an extra 30 bucks at dinner now. If this is the case, I am going to choke somebody. I don't need to eat off of fancy damn China; I'll eat Kobe beef off a folded up napkin if it comes down to it. And then I could wipe my hands with my plate afterward as well.

Here are some of the options offered at the fancy restaurant:

Entrees may include Pan-Seared Rosemary Chicken with Cranberry Chutney, Grilled Sea Scallops with Marjoram Pomodoro Coulis, served on curried Hollandaise spinach with fried capers, or Lamb Rack Chops with Drizzled Mint Sauce. Also available are premium “Sterling Silver” hand-selected cuts of beef unsurpassed in tenderness and taste, including bone-in Delmonico rib-eye steak, center-cut Porterhouse steak and two sizes of filet mignon. Side dishes will feature such choices as Washington Spuds au Gratin, Grilled Asparagus avec Béarnaise and Sautéed Button Mushrooms. Delectable desserts, featuring Pacific Northwest ingredients include Warm Grand Marnier Chocolate Volcano Cake, Lemon Berry Angel Shortcake, and Not-so-Classic Baked Alaska.

I am 99% sure that on the last cruise I went on, all this crap was available for no additional charge in the main dining room. Allow me to reiterate, if they are serving Mom and Pop's Chicken Fried Steak in the main dining room now, I am going go buckwild. And probably get banned from future Holland America cruises.

Ahem. Back to the list, then.)

• The Loft, designed exclusively for teens to have fun, socialize and hang out with people their own ageLet me interrupt here to make note of the highlights of The Loft:

• A modern environment with music, videos and a video karaoke system, as well as a state-of-the-art sound and laser light systems for dancing
• A big-screen television to watch the latest music videos and movies
• A nine-foot high water fall, cave and wade pool to cool off from the sun

Are kids really too stupid to find something to do on an Alaskan cruise besides watch music videos and frolic in a waterfall cave to shield themselves from the scorching Arctic sun? Ugh

Anyway. There's really not a lot up there but snow and ice so I guess I can sorta understand it, but still. I think with the way the tickets worked out I'm sharing a room with my parents, but dammit if I want to drink and gamble all night and then go shack up with some random boat hoochie I am gonna do it nonetheless!

I'm honestly a bit concerned about this last bit though, because I think Holland America tends to cater to an older crowd. IS A WATERFALL CAVE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU YOUNG WHIPPERSNAPPERS? IN MY DAY WE HAD TO SIT IN SHACKLES AND PADDLE THE GOD DAMN BOATS OURSELVES AND INSTEAD OF WINE AT DINNER THEY GAVE YOU A CRUST OF BREAD AND MADE YOU SOP UP YOUR OWN BLOOD SWEAT AND PISS WITH IT AND THAT IS WHAT YOU ATE FOR DINNER! AND WE LIKED IT! But you know, maybe there will be some single broads over 17 but under 30. That'd be sweet. Here's a look at the nightclub the ship offers, at least. It just better not be a bunch of old biddies in there swing dancing to Django Reinhardt songs.

I guess am very apprehensive about this whole thing considering it's a free cruise.

On a more bizarre note, the cruise website does mention the "Single Partner Program" which is described thusly:

Each Holland America ship hosts a Solo Travelers party for singles to meet each other early during their cruise. Solo travelers enjoy enriching activities with mixers, cocktail parties, games and more. In total, there are more than 40 activities to meet other singles including: exercise classes, enriching lectures (select departures), line dance class, wine tasting and cooking demonstrations, Team Trivia contests, the daily quiz, sports challenges and more. Many of our Single Partner Program guests have become fast friends and some even book future Holland America cruises together.

Okay, that sounds pretty normal, right? Let the single old people date, cool, cool. But here is the picture at the top of the page:

And in case you're thinking, "Oh, that's obviously just a random picture of course," the filename is single_main.jpg. It was hand-picked for this section of the site. I am going on a cruise filled with old, interracial, lesbian swingers.

It's like Golden Girls and The Love Boat all rolled into one and by god I don't like it. On the other hand, I guess this would have made a great setup for a comedy...

Walls are the things that hold up ceilings

The majority of my stuff has finally been moved over to Murder Mansion by now. Clothes, a TV, and a computer are pretty much the only things left in my room at Wolf Creek. I've even got all my books arranged on the new bookcase alphabetically by author. Perhaps the biggest problem with my new room in its current state is that it has walls. Four of them. And they are hell of bare.

So now that all the big stuff is in, I can really get down to finding some decoration. A few months ago, I sat down and read the entire 4-year run of Achewood (which I would highly recommend sometime). Right now, they're having a sale on signed prints of any strip, and I think I may take them up on this for at least one item. I can slap one in a lil frame and it will be ever so nice on a plain white wall such as those in my room. Here are a few I am considering (please follow the links because I am at work and cannot host them elsewhere right now):

• http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05292003
• http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05302003
• http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04092003
• http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09142006
• http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06052003
• http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06102002

This is a very difficult decision for me. Another cliche option would be to get a Polish movie poster or two. It's hard to deny that a lot of those are pretty sweet, though. The $20 ones moreso than the $300. It'd be nice to find a decent Talking Heads poster too, but what can you do.

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VOCAB WORD OF THE DAY: Bronson (adj.)

I copped this word from my friend Mike, but essentially the term Bronson refers to anything so badass that it approaches the badass levels exhibited by Mr. Charles Bronson. He's a bad dude.

ex. Burning For You by Blue Oyster Cult has some Bronson riffage.

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I really hate the fact that Drew Carey is taking over for Bob Barker on The Price is Right. Seriously, Wayne Brady would be a better choice than him. On the other hand, he's better than John O'Hurley, who sounds like he's perpetually selling used cars. That simply does not work on a show that's all about giving away new cars. Rosie O'Donnell was never a legit contender. Let's not even open that can of worms, or I will see to it that you are eating worms from a can, my friend!

Speaking of giving away cars, somebody buy this and give it to me. The last car Bob Barker ever gave away. It is so sad. Sometimes I wonder if people see Bob just driving around in whatever he drives and just take it when he goes into the 7-11 to buy a Slurpee or something. I bet he'd be cool with it. What a chilled out laid back dude.

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On a more serious note, I'm listening to the song Savannah Smiles from Okkervil River's new CD and it occurs to me that I really hate songs about getting old and wasting your relationships with people, like this one, or Cat's in the Cradle by Harry Chapin, or Still Fighting It by Ben Folds, or That's Me Trying by William Shatner (which also features Ben Folds). It is also for this reason that Big Fish is one of the few movies that gets me all misty. I guess it's kind of a trite idea, but whatever.

I don't really know, but for some reason this theme has extra pathos for me. I guess I'm not a big fan of the concept of time in general. It's the ultimate nonrenewable resource.

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On a less serious note, I very nearly ate a Chapstick just now. It smelled like cherries.

I have a problem :(

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Here is another blog you can read when you are not reading my blog: This is a blog written by John Hodgman. It's better than mine. You should always read mine first so you will not be disappointed.

The Taxman Cometh

Today I was pondering American mythology, like often I do, and I realized: Is there another figure in American mythology so widely despised as The Taxman? Even traditionally hated characters like The Boogeyman have recently found friends, but this Taxman guy just can't catch a break. Musicians especially have it in for him; The Beatles most notably started the hate train with their song Taxman, but it quickly spread to all genres. Noted chillin' out expert Jimmy Buffett claims in his song Sunny Afternoon that the Taxman has "taken all his dough," and pop-punk pioneers The Descendents report in Everything Sucks that "Taxman came and took my money, now all my other bills are gonna be late." Even classic rockers like Creedence Clearwater Revival say in Fortunate Son that "when the taxman comes to the door, Lord, the house looks like a rummage sale." These statements seep and sop with resentment, but ironically, almost all members of the music community except Toby Keith claim to be liberal. Oh, the hypocrisy!

Personally, as a future lawyer, I am okay with the Taxman. Dude has a thankless job to do and he performs it with much efficiency. I like that.

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On an unrelated note, I'm flattered at the recent influx of people who want to use me as a booty call, but try to live within an hour of me or at least give a day's notice if you're gonna try and pull that. I do have a job, ladies. How do you think I stay so fly, so baller?

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Would anybody like to buy some really expensive toilet paper? It's only 30 bucks a roll; I would assume it is very soft. It's sold out right now but that's okay, since I assume you're not going to buy it anyway. I want to make a really expensive toilet paper with little flecks of gold leaf so it makes tiny little cuts on your butt, then you can sit in a big tub of liquor and get drunk all quick-like. It would truly be the Goldschlager of toilet papers.

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I WISH I HAD A POPULAR HAT.

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Brian, I don't know if you actually read this humble blog of mine, but I would argue that the great American Novel is not actually The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, but in fact To Kill a Mockingbird. I guess there's still some debate over whether that was ghostwritten by Truman Capote, but who cares, Shakespeare probably never wrote his own stuff either. If you disagree, I will debate you on this, but I can summarize my argument in one word: CHIFFAROBE.

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I don't think I've mentioned this here previously, but my latest bad R&B obsession is the omnipresent T-Pain. Dude's fat and ugly and can't sing, but somehow he's the hottest thing since potatoes right now. How can you not like a guy with lyrics like this, from the song Bartender:

She made us drinks
To drink
We drunk em
Got drunk
And now I think
She thinks I'm cool
She give a wink
I wink back
And now I think that
We gon have fun in the spot tonight

The drink/drink drunk/drunk rhyme scheme is pretty unstoppable. And this cat is pretty obsessed with winking his eye as a way to show that he "got the game;" he does it not only in this song but at least in R. Kelly's I'm a Flirt as well. Has anybody really done that since the 50's?

I hope one day I can be as talentless and successful as my boy T-Pain.

Harry Potter's friend Ron.. Mexico.

Allow me to be topical for a moment. By far the biggest sports story of the summer (besides Joey Chestnut cramming 66 hot dogs in his filthy maw) is Michael Vick (aka Ron Mexico aka Ookie)'s alleged participation in a dogfighting ring in southeastern Virginia. I would first like to point out that it is very difficult to be convicted of dogfighting in Georgia, where Vick lives for most of the year. As it stands, there are eyewitnesses who have seen him betting on and torturing dogs... in Virginia. Don't get me wrong, it's an awful thing and he's an awful human being, but apparently he's also dumb as hell on top of it.

Normally, federal charges don't get brought against you unless the feds think they're gonna win; I think their conviction rate is somewhere around 95%. He lied to the NFL commissioner Roger Goodell about his involvement, he's already been indicted, so why are they still letting him play? If you're gonna suspend guys for half the season for driving while not legally intoxicated, how can you not suspend a guy for actually committing a felony on this scale? My boy T-Zone doubts that Vick will even get jail time, on the basis that "they could only get Al Capone on taxes," which sadly could turn out to be true. As a Panthers fan, I can only hope they decide to make an example out of a superstar with him. His approval ratings are already at Bush levels (lol bush is dum).

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I still don't care about Harry Potter. You can't make me.

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LET ME TELL YOU HOW MY TOOTH BRUSHING WENT THIS MORNING

It went pretty well

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I'm a little bummed today but you know at least Mike Vick is probably going to jail and my tooth brushing went ok so there's that. Just not a whole lot crackin 'round Raleigh town on a sleepy Thursday night. A bit of a letdown to say the least.

Oh yeah, somebody wanted to know what kind of bug I killed for Skull and Bones. It was a praying mantis, I ate it and didn't even go to jail!

I will join a club

Lately I've been hearing a lot about a group called the Order of Skull and Bones which sounds like a lot of fun. What a crazy name! Your skull is bones! It is a secret society at Yale and I am thinking about transferring over there for my last year so I can join. It has all kinds of neat members like George Bush and George W. Bush. They do some pretty neat events and activities too, for example:

• Community service cleaning up adopted highways
• Broomball
• Monthly mixer with sister secret societies
• 9/11
• Killing JFK
• Genocide in Darfur
• Live Aid
• Skull and Bones Night at East Village

I am already preparing myself for all the crazy initiation rituals. I killed a bug!

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Earlier today I bought a Cherry Coke and all day I have been thinking it was a Dr. Pepper. I should probably stop drinking soda but they don't sell milk in vending machines. WHASSUPWITDAT!

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I wish I could sing so that I could sit around at work writing folksy little tunes and then go play them in a bar on an acoustic guitar and get discovered by Quincy Jones and he would take them and turn them into funk hits. But I can't so what's the use? Life is so bleak.

Also, did you know that the website for the American Mustache Institute is not blocked at work? Now you know! It seems pretty gay but I guess it's alright!

every single little soul is precious

god dont make no trash

ya kid keep the change

Changes abound in the personal life on this warm summer's day. It's a robust 89 degrees Fahrenheit, not too humid out, and things are alright.

CHANGES THAT HAVE OCCURRED IN THE PAST 24 HOURS

• It appears that I am single again but that may work out better for everyone involved and that is good I think.
• That grill that my boss gave me apparently changed from a grill into a big hunk of rust, although it might not be as hard to fix as I thought.
• The ham biscuit I ate for lunch changed into some kind of horrible slime and I cannot remove its now-awful taste from my mouth. No amount of water has any effect. This ham biscuit has utterly dominated my tongue in a very major way.
• My weekend plans also seem to have changed in a very major way. For the sake of being cryptic that is all I can reveal on that issue.

FACTS THAT HAVE BEEN ESTABLISHED IN THE PAST 24 HOURS:

• Every school is better than UNC Chapel Hill by way of not being UNC Chapel Hill.
• I have a hard hat on my desk and there is a fly sitting on it as if he owns the thing. I have never worn it though, so it might actually be his for all I know.
• i spotted my frend davis sitting outside the luxor casino last night, and "mindfreak" criss angel flew overhead in an amazing feat of levitation. well wouldn't you know it but in midair he said "and for my next trick i will reveal my true identity" - it was the ultimate hustler! he swooped down within an inch of davis's face and said "i see you sittin here thinkin you a thug but you a dud son" and davis was like "that was uncalled for" and grimaced a bit but then the ultimate hustler levitated back into the sky shouting, "stay away from the craps table, busta, they don't let you gamble with 12-sided dice" and davis wept onto his nintendo ds on which he was playing pokemon diamond at the time
• The previous fact is the biggest burn of my friend Davis's young life and he may never recover
• The "second" in Second Life refers to an alternative, an equal yet seperate existance. Life is the meaning of it all. It is not a game but a way of life. It is a relationship between human and the virtual universe. The sentient gives to the universe, and the universe gives to the sentient. It is a mutualistic symbiosis.
• I have a childish outlook on Second Life.
• This looks like a tasty recipe for the crap grill

GRILLED RIB-EYE STEAKS WITH PARSLEY-GARLIC BUTTER

Back to Business

I have been away from here for far too long and I feel a deep sense of remorse for this. It has been a terribly busy few days but things have cooled off and I am ready to blog once more. In some ways this seems like a dangerous venture, because within the next two weeks, anytime someone asks me how my day was I'll just be like STOP RIGHT THERE and hand them a notecard with the blog address on it and be like "educate yourself before you start asking me these infantile questions; I am an important blogger on the internet." I am predisposed to doing things like this.

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I spent Saturday furniture shopping with mom and dad and Sunday furniture building, neither of which were as painful as expected. Mom also brought up a blueberry cobbler which was pretty hella, although everyone knows blackberry is the supreme cobbler. Anyway, now I have a desk with a cherry finish and an oak bookcase and a metal bed and a blue chair. Nothing matches at all, really, but hopefully I'll be able to cope. My new mission is to find stuff to put on the walls, give the place some character and all. Suggestions are welcome.

Friday I have to sit over at the new condo (referred to as Murder Mansion from here forth) from 2-6 with nothing to do waiting for the delivery guys to bring the bed, so that should be tons of fun. If anybody wants to hang out with Alfredo's ghost and me that would be swell.

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Anyway, I need to give a shining recommendation to a new show on the BET Network called "Hell Date," which is kind of like Blind Date mixed with Punk'd or something. People go on a date with an actor or actress who makes who makes the date horrible by having a stalker ex, wanting a threesome with their morbidly obese (BIG UPS TO MAH BOY T-ZONE FOR CATCHIN DIS OMISSION) sister, or various other means, and then a midget in a devil suit runs out to tell them they're on hell date. The midget is a much better device than Ashton Kutcher and you get to hear awesome dialogue like this:

GUY: She tells me she has a twin sister, and one is like wow, but
two.

Flames shoot across screen before guy finishes statement

It's pretty sweet. We got dat junk on Tivo.

Speaking of BET, I went to the flea market at the fairgrounds yesterday and picked up some stunna shades. For eight bucks, the cost to stunna ratio is unbeatable. I'm working on my thizz face to complete the experience. If only I could find enough people to go in on a shortbus to convert into THE ULTIMATE TAILGATE MACHINE before football season so we could ghostride around the fairground lot, that would be awesome.

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Which reminds me, does anybody with money want to start a business venture with me? Considering that The Brewery is the best concert venue in Raleigh right now in the wake of Kings Barcade getting demolished for a parking deck, it seems like starting a new, suck-free one somewhere would be a pretty good idea. That is, unless everybody in Raleigh actually does love terrible hardcore bands all of a sudden and nobody told me about it. We would boast such features as bands and beers and good acoustics. Let's make this happen.

As it stands, here are the upcoming shows in the Triangle that I'm looking forward to. These are all in Chapel Hill, coincidentally.

• Ted Leo and the Pharmacists - Aug. 10 at Cat's Cradle (I don't even know if I can make this one though, due to the upcoming Alaska cruise.)
• Neil Hamburger - Sept. 5 at Local 506
• Okkervil River - Oct. 2 at Cat's Cradle
• Bonde Do Role - Oct. 13 at Local 506
• Stars - Oct. 26 at Cat's Cradle

And let's be honest, if a dump like Local 506 can get decent acts, there's no reason that any place in Raleigh shouldn't. Just sayin.

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In other news, I am going to pick up a grill after work in exchange for showing my boss how to use bittorrent and get Grateful Dead concerts on his iPod. That's a pretty sweet deal.

In celebration I will provide some recipes in this and future updates for things I would like to grill in the coming months.

Jalapeno Bacon Cheeseburgers

Spicy Ranch Sauce

• 1 cup mayonnaise
• 1 cup sour cream
• 1/2 cup chopped fresh cilantro
• 6 tablespoons fresh lime juice
• 4 green onions, finely chopped
• 2 tablespoons minced seeded jalapeño chile
• 1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper

Burgers

• 2 pounds ground beef
• 1 small onion, chopped (about 1 1/4 cups)
• 1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley
• 2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
• 1 tablespoon chopped seeded jalapeño chile
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon ground black pepper
• 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper

Worcestershire-Coffee Glaze

• 1/3 cup light corn syrup
• 2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
• 2 tablespoons ketchup
• 1 teaspoon instant coffee crystals
• 2 teaspoons (packed) golden brown sugar
• 3 tablespoons butter

Other

• 16 bacon slices
• Nonstick vegetable oil spray
• 8 hamburger buns or 3- to 4-inch square focaccia rolls, split horizontally
• 8 lettuce leaves
• 2 cups coarsely shredded sharp white cheddar cheese

Preparation

For spicy ranch sauce:

1. Whisk all ingredients in medium bowl to blend.
2. Season sauce with salt and pepper.

For burgers:

1. Gently mix all ingredients in large bowl.
2. Form mixture into eight 1/2- to 3/4-inch-thick patties.
3. Place on small baking sheet.
4. Cover and chill at least 2 hours and up to 1 day.

For glaze:

1. Stir first 5 ingredients in small saucepan over medium heat until coffee is
   dissolved.
2. Remove from heat.
3. Whisk in butter.
4. Season glaze to taste with salt and pepper.

Cooking

1. Prepare barbecue (medium-high heat).
2. Working in batches if necessary, cook bacon in large skillet over
   medium-high heat until crisp and brown.
3. Transfer bacon to paper towels to drain. Spray grill rack with nonstick spray.
4. Toast buns until golden, about 2 minutes per side. Transfer buns, cut side up, to plates.
5. Grill burgers 5 minutes, basting with glaze.
6. Turn burgers, baste with glaze, and grill until cooked to desired doneness,
   about 5 minutes longer for medium.
7. Press cheese atop each burger and allow cheese to melt.
8. Place some sauce, then 1 burger on each bun bottom.
9. Top each with 2 slices bacon and desired additional toppings. Cover with bun
   top. Serve with remaining sauce.

Now tell me that doesn't sound delicious

You're not allowed to have bees in here.

Today is a pretty laid back kind of morning and I have a lot of things on my mind today. First though, I have to answer some reader mail.

here is a hypothetical situation for you: lets say im doing some hella grinding with my guild (and my GIRL clan member is running low on HP so i need to heal her she is probably really pretty irl) i need some sustenance to get me through the night should i get 2 p'zones or one p'zone and 1 $p'zone's worth of cheetos?

This is an excellent question and I thought about it for quite a while. I will have to side with the two P'zones for a couple reasons. Certainly, it is good to have that diversity that Cheetos can offer to a meal, but I do not like having orange dust on my keyboard also nobody will deliever Cheetos to you so you will have to leave your house to get them and that is terrible. Either of these things could seriously mess up your raid on Tal'rasha's Tomb. I was informed that it is common practice among WOW players to eat the Cheetos with a spoon but I am steadfast in this decision. Two P'zones is the answer to your problem.

That being said, let's move on.

At work, there are a lot of geese that walk around and honk and crap all over the sidewalk. It's pretty annoying, and there's not really anything anyone can do but chase them with an air horn since you can't kill them without some pretty big fines (not that the company doesn't have the money, but that's a different thing altogether). Yes, there actually is a guy here whose job it is to chase geese with an air horn. Personally, I think they were put here by the management staff to teach everyone the value of friendship. These geese stick together through thick and thin and that's pretty rad of them. I once saw an incident here where a goose fell into the pond and some of the other geese flew away and came back with an inflatable raft to save him. It was a terrifying situation, and I thank baby Jesus every day for letting me bear witness to this miraculous rescue. They don't let you have cameras on site or I guarantee you I woud have taped it and put it on World's Most Miraculous Goose Videos on Spike TV.

In other news, is there any bug nicer than a bumblebee? Roly-polys and fireflies are pretty nice but they aren't fuzzy. They get a bad rap for being bees but honestly they are just playful little tykes who want to buzz around and have sex with flowers all day. I want to get a pet bumblebee and keep him on a tiny leash and take him for walks and let him eat honey off a plate. This is the ideal life for both man and bee. I couldn't take him to the hospital but that's ok beacuse I would take good care of him and he would never be stricken with illness of any kind :)

Pretty much the only thing nicer than a bee is some bacon. I recently discovered that there is a Bacon of the Month Club. For only $265 you get a year's subscription and while the price is a bit steep, it's a pretty great idea. The following items are included:

• A different artisan bacon delivered to your door each month for 12 months
• Informative notes on all bacon selections
• Discounts on The Grateful Palate bacon products and bacons
• Bacon of the Month Club Membership Card
• The bacon strip - our members only monthly bacon comic strip
• The Bacon of the Month Club Pig Ballpoint Pen
• A little Rubber Toy Pig
• One free Bacon Tee Shirt
• A recipe each month using the bacon selected
• Discounts on suggested wines and products in recipes
• A pig nose!

That's a pound of bacon a month, with nifty flavors like "cinnamon" and "garlic stuffed" and "pepper." I have a pretty hard time justifying a budget of over $20/month for bacon right now, but if I ever become disgustingly wealthy I am gonna be all over this like stink on rice. The bonus items can't be beat either--a monthly bacon comic strip? Who ever heard of such!

In the interest of objectivity though, I think I should point out that bacon, while often used for good, can also be used for evil. Imagine how mortified I was when I saw a resident of the internet ask this stupid question:

I was busy making a breakfast consisting of eggs, bacon, toast and a bowl of dank when i got an idea. You know how they have smoked bacon, to add flavor? Could you possibly use marijuana smoke to smoke up the bacon, and possibly get high from eating it? Since THC is fat soluble, it would adhere to the grease around the bacon, right? This is of course bacon in the raw form, uncooked.

I know it sounds stupid but it might be an interesting method to get stoned before work/school.

No you cannot get high off bacon you are stupid and I hate you! This is as bad as when people tried to smoke a pothead's dreadlocks in the woods! GO BACK TO WHATEVER NADER-WORSHIPPING PLANET YOU DAMN HIPPIES COME FROM AND STAY THERE!

Sorry I got my dander up a bit there but this blog is not about hate so I cannot talk about this any longer right now. I am confident that my positivity will make this the hottest blog in the blogosphere so tell your friends ok I am sure they will love it!

Aw man it's a hodgepodge of cornucopiae

Heretofore I have lived a bit over 21 years without ever having a blog. This was probably for the best. On the other hand, I am told repeatedly that the best way to become a better writer is to write. And this seems like as good a reason as any, I guess. It's a good time-killer at work if nothing else.

I have found in the past couple days that, like writing fiction, the hardest part of writing a blog is finding something to write about. I have asked around and found a few topics for my first post that are important to me and others. Hopefully this will be a valuable experience for everyone involved. Moving on then.

TOPICS OF SOME INTEREST:

1. P'ZONES

I have never personally had a P'zone, and I actually sort of dislike Pizza Hut in general, but this is still a very important topic on a national level insofar as it proves that some people across this great land are disgusting. Wikipedia describes the P'zone as follows: "a menu item at the restaurant chain Pizza Hut. It is a cross between a calzone and a pizza. It weighs over 1 lb, and contains meat, cheese, and vegetables." An artist's rendering can be found here:

It's even worse than a regular pizza because there's nowhere for the grease to escape to, and you certainly can't sop it up with a napkin like you can with a regular pizza. One former Pizza Hut even employee even states, "When I worked at Pizza hut, probably 2/3 of the P'zones we produced still had raw meat in them since theres no way for the inside to heat up enough to cook the meat. We never got a single complaint. For feeding people raw meat soaked in semi-rancid oil. " P'Zones are basically the faux-Italian equivalent of the KFC famous bowl. Only even more unhealthy. One meat lover's P'zone contains per serving:

• 1360 calories
• 56g fat (28g saturated)
• 130mg cholesterol
• 3080mg sodium
• 16g sugar
• 76g protein

But guess what, one serving is only half a P'zone! If you know how I eat, you would probably agree that I should love this thing. I don't know what's wrong with me.

2. RABID CHIPMUNKS

I am not actually sure whether rabid chipmunks are a threat to our society or not. There is a song by a little "comedy rap" outfit called Sudden Death with this title, and they talk like they're pretty bad dudes, but I am skeptical. Here is an excerpt:

"Comin' down from the tree, you know me
I'm a rabid menace to society
Take a nibble at your neck and put you in traction
Had it up to here now it's time for some action
Fraction of the pain I'm inflictin'
Puff on an acorn, so addictin'
Run up your leg and bite impolitely
And then you'll sound just like me"

They talk a big game but I doubt they're really as menacing as they say they are. Nibbling on necks is not the sort of activity that would generally put one in traction. It is pretty fair to say that chipmunks of all sorts are a bunch of shribs.

And anyway, it's hard to take them seriously when they're in a Story meant for Boy Scouts (Decide for yourself if it is appropriate for your younger scouts or not).

3. RADIOLAB

Not to be confused with the band Stereolab, Radiolab is a show on WNYC public radio that's actually worth listening to. It's hard to describe, but I guess the best comparison would be that it's like This American Life, except about science. Or at least more science-themed. A segment from it is featured on this week's TAL episode, actually. The host has this annoying habit of saying things the guests say before they say them, but otherwise it's quite entertaining and at least somewhat educational. The episode topics range from zoos to detective stories to the placebo
effect, so there's something for everybody.

In case you didn't get that the title of the show is linked, get the podcasts or streaming MP3s here: http://www.wnyc.org/shows/radiolab/

4. ANIMES

Animes are and will continue to be a scourge, a blight, and a pox upon the world.

And with that I have exhausted all my current topics of some interest. Carlowen said he would not be my friend anymore if I started a blog, which is understandable but I hope he can forgive me. I have very important thoughts inside me and they must be released into the blogosphere.