The Trouble with Murder Mansion

So the day has finally come, and my roommates and I are officially residents of Murder Mansion. So far it's going pretty well, but there are some decidedly sinister things afoot in that place.

First of all, I think our modem is haunted by the ghost of Alfredo (this is our ghost in case you have forgotten! It has now emerged that he was not Mexican, but Honduran!) . When our landlord told us the story of the gruesome murder, he mentioned that both of the guys were supposed to go paint a fence but backed out of the job halfway there because they lacked self-confidence. This part of the story always seemed irrelevant to me, but now it all makes sense. Our internet connection seems to be working even though the cable company hasn't set up yet, but last night the modem got halfway through receiving data from the internet but then decided it lacked the confidence to finish the job and disconnected.

Not only that, but any music that is played in the apartment sounds to the human ear like it is being played on a flamenco guitar with Spanish lyrics. To hear Ol Dirty Bastard played in such a fashion bends the mind in ways that would drive the unitiated mad. Also my closet door broke and I think a ghost is responsible. There were some heart-shaped cookie molds as well. Heart-shaped cookies are sinister.

Despite these sinister occurrences, this is basically the lamest haunting I have ever heard of. However, I know people who would think our place was like something out of MTV Fear, where if you stand in the spot where Alfredo got iced for 5 minutes you will be possessed or killed by a demon or something. Maybe I'll set up a webcam in the living room to scan for evil spirits and find out FOR REAL.

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A few minutes I read ago that Sean Kingston, the guy who does that Beautiful Girls song, is 17. He has a line in that song about getting sent away for doing his first crime in 1999. Nine years old. Tupac didn't even get in trouble with the law that young. Lindsay Lohan didn't even get arrested that young. This kid is a damn hooligan. Thugs and gangsters, these "gangster rap" "artists."

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INTERNET POLICY FUN FACT: www.ncssmalumni.com is blocked for being recognied under the classification "Games." www.addictinggames.com is not blocked.

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All this talk about Alfredo has made me wonder, when anybody else hears about some crazy, multi-step killing like this, do they think about the order in which everything went down before the realization of "wow, that's horrible" sets in? The article says:

Authorities said Carlos Leon Sanchez, 44, admitted responsibility for Alfredo Sandoval Rodriguez's death. Investigators said Rodriguez was stabbed more than 100 times, struck with a claw hammer, possibly strangled and decapitated.

In addition, Rodriguez's heart was cut out and set on the floor of the condominium, authorities said. The body was found Wednesday.

See, I would think the claw hammer would come first, to knock him out, followed by the stabbing, then the decapitation, and finally the heart removal. The last two steps could easily be reversed, but my gut tells me this was not the case.

For the sake of interactivity, let's say the cops find a body that was strangled, electrocuted, repeatedly slammed to the ground, and drowned. In what order would you think these things happened? I don't know the answer but I bet Michael Vick does! BOOYA!

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IMPORTANT UPDATE FROM LAST TIME: The premium restaurant on Holland America cruises has been around for years apparently, and the normal dining room food is still first-rate, so crisis averted there. Still no word on the geriatric lesbians.

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I have not kept up with many video games lately but if you have a Nintendo DS and like Sudokus and puzzle games of that sort, you should get Picross DS tomorrow. It is very hard to find Picross-related anything despite there being 9000 Sudoku books in every Barnes and Noble, but what can you do. You basically fill in some blocks and make a picture with logic and it's pretty fun. It's only 20 bucks so I mean what the hell what do you have to lose? I mean, besides your LIFE (applies to residents of Murder Mansion only)!!!

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It is lunchtime so I am going to go eat and then come back here and report on it because WHO DOESN'T LOVE READING BLOGS ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S LUNCH:

Went with the spicy chicken sandwich and onion rings since the alternative was Pork Normandy, or pork tenderloin cooked in apples and onions, and I ain't want no damn onions in my apples. The sandwich is plain at best but the onion rings are surprisingly good for cafeteria food. Very crispy and fairly light on the grease. The trick is to use a lot of oil at a very high temperature! I'm drinking cold water. It's my drink of choice. I can't get enough of the stuff.

Anyway, I'm glad this whole idea of naming foods after places where a bajillion people died hasn't caught on, or you'd be seeing things like Pearl Harbor Shrimp and Aushwitz Salmon and Macaroni a la Abu Ghraib and Murder Mansion Meatloaf, and that would just be depressing.

Speaking of, if you saw a morbidly obese man, we're talkin 450lbs+ waddling down the street and a tiny dog leaped into the air, bit him on the willy, and vanished as suddenly and mysteriously as he had appeared, how would you respond? Me, well, first I'd laugh but then I'd be like "oh my gawd."

Anyway, the onion rings are good.

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WERE YOU PRIVY TO THIS INFORMATION??: In 1489, only 3 years prior to Columbus sailing the ocean blue, the most important historical event occurred on March 26, when the Treaty of Medina del Campo between England and Spain was signed, including a provision for a marriage between Arthur, the son of King Henry VII of England, and Princess Catherine of Aragon. WHO GIVES A RAT'S ASS ABOUT 1489 CAN WE JUST REMOVE THIS YEAR FROM HISTORY PLEASE? NEWS FLASH EVERYBODY IT'S ACTUALLY 2006 RIGHT NOW, AMERICA WAS ACTUALLY FOUNDED IN 1775, AND JIMMY V ACTUALLY WON THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP IN 1982 NOW THAT WE HAVE DONE AWAY WITH THAT STRAIGHT UP BITCH OF A YEAR! I am sorry to use such coarse language but I am passionate about bringing these facts to you.

IMPORTANT UPDATE

Via Pitchfork Media:

"Trapped in the Closet", R. Kelly's sprawling, Puccinian ode to enclosed spaces, shall sprawl anew August 21, when ten additional chapters are tacked on to the end of the series' dozen on a Jive-issued DVD.

The new round of "Trapped" videos finds Kelly portraying an old man named Randolph, complete with a pot belly and a fake white beard that nearly falls off mid-scene, as well as a preacher in a gray Jheri-curl wig and garish orange suit. In one of the final chapters, Kelly's Sylvester character talks business with a "Sopranos"-esque mobster who is eating a giant plate of spaghetti.

That is all.

Comedy is no laughing matter

I'm feeling uninspired tonight, so all the credit goes to my good friend Carlowen for this one. We were discussing hilarious sitcoms like The Beverly Hillbillies, when he decided to drop a truth bomb on the frivolity:

"You know, there were a lot of instances in real life when a rich coal or ore vein would be found on some small land-owner's property in Appalachia. What would happen was that the mining companies would perform the following maneuver: they would ask the family to sell the land to them, at which point they promised to give back the surface rights and they would make some money on it. Most of the time they explained it in the most complicated manner possible, and usually gave sums of about $100, around the turn of last century. Most of the time, they just thought that that was how they were supposed to make money off of it, some of them had no knowledge of how the value of currency had changed in more populated places, and some of them just knew that they would sign a paper and get $100.

Well, I remember hearing stories of the people who had the surface rights losing their means of living off of the land when the companies' equipment messed everything up, or sometimes they just ignored the agreement and built everywhere or even did mountaintop removal. They say that the original owners either moved somewhere else or wound up working in the mine themselves.

Anyway what I am saying was that this would have made a great setup for a comedy."

Carlowen is a very smart fellow. I mentioned Hogan's Heroes as another sitcom based in a setting that was absolutely bubbling with comedy, a Nazi POW camp. Once again his knowledge of these things was encyclopedic:

"Remember that one episode when the prisioners were forced to dig their own grave before the firing squad and they struck their own tunnel, ducked as if they had been hit when the shots were fired, and then escaped through the tunnel, demolishing it as they left? Then they just showed up back at the camp when colonel Klink came back and they said that if he said anything, that he would get sent to the Russian Front for sure for letting it be known that he let them get away!

Remember that one episode, when the radio operator was forced to shove his comrades into the oven, but they kept escaping through a trap door inside of the oven, and then running around and getting back in line and repeating until Sholtz lost count and they said that if he said anything he'd get sent to the Russian Front for sure?

There was this one episode where the prisoners were deprived of food as a punishment for one of them fainting in the fifth hour of roll call, and then Hogan and his heroes started eating the rubber insoles in their shoes and got huge disfiguring blisters during their 30 hour work days a result.

Yes I watched all of these. They were pretty hilarious."

I was thinking about making a sitcom based on To Catch a Predator. Maybe Chris Hansen could be roommates with a notorious child pornographer, and Chris Hansen keeps trying to catch him in the act but the roommate keeps narrowly avoiding his traps? I have made a note of it!

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I got new earbuds but they're "surround sound" and don't fit well in my ears. I SAVED MY RECEIPT AND THEY ARE RETURNING TO THE STORE PROMPTLY.

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I don't believe I have mentioned this here, but I am taking a trip to Alaska on August 11th for exactly one week. It's a big family vacation with Holland America cruises, and I don't really know what to expect, except that I'm going to eat nonstop for 168 hours. I am going to cram steak and foie gras down my gullet until I can't walk, and then I'm going to cram some more. Are you curious to see the boat? Of course you are! HERE IS THE BOAT:

Wow! Look at it go! This baby is named for the eastern compass point! I didn't even know the eastern compass point had a name! I just did my britches with excitement!

Here are some features offered on this marvel of modern engineering:

• The Culinary Arts Center, presented by Food & Wine magazine, is the setting for gourmet cooking demonstrations and interactive classes
• The two-tier Vista Dining Room features impeccable service and an extensive wine list, and offers five-course menus, from continental cuisine to vegetarian and low-carb options (editor's note: I am going to eat everything except the vegetarian crap! Unfortunately, it sounds like the really fancy-schmancy stuff costs an extra 30 bucks at dinner now. If this is the case, I am going to choke somebody. I don't need to eat off of fancy damn China; I'll eat Kobe beef off a folded up napkin if it comes down to it. And then I could wipe my hands with my plate afterward as well.

Here are some of the options offered at the fancy restaurant:

Entrees may include Pan-Seared Rosemary Chicken with Cranberry Chutney, Grilled Sea Scallops with Marjoram Pomodoro Coulis, served on curried Hollandaise spinach with fried capers, or Lamb Rack Chops with Drizzled Mint Sauce. Also available are premium “Sterling Silver” hand-selected cuts of beef unsurpassed in tenderness and taste, including bone-in Delmonico rib-eye steak, center-cut Porterhouse steak and two sizes of filet mignon. Side dishes will feature such choices as Washington Spuds au Gratin, Grilled Asparagus avec Béarnaise and Sautéed Button Mushrooms. Delectable desserts, featuring Pacific Northwest ingredients include Warm Grand Marnier Chocolate Volcano Cake, Lemon Berry Angel Shortcake, and Not-so-Classic Baked Alaska.

I am 99% sure that on the last cruise I went on, all this crap was available for no additional charge in the main dining room. Allow me to reiterate, if they are serving Mom and Pop's Chicken Fried Steak in the main dining room now, I am going go buckwild. And probably get banned from future Holland America cruises.

Ahem. Back to the list, then.)

• The Loft, designed exclusively for teens to have fun, socialize and hang out with people their own ageLet me interrupt here to make note of the highlights of The Loft:

• A modern environment with music, videos and a video karaoke system, as well as a state-of-the-art sound and laser light systems for dancing
• A big-screen television to watch the latest music videos and movies
• A nine-foot high water fall, cave and wade pool to cool off from the sun

Are kids really too stupid to find something to do on an Alaskan cruise besides watch music videos and frolic in a waterfall cave to shield themselves from the scorching Arctic sun? Ugh

Anyway. There's really not a lot up there but snow and ice so I guess I can sorta understand it, but still. I think with the way the tickets worked out I'm sharing a room with my parents, but dammit if I want to drink and gamble all night and then go shack up with some random boat hoochie I am gonna do it nonetheless!

I'm honestly a bit concerned about this last bit though, because I think Holland America tends to cater to an older crowd. IS A WATERFALL CAVE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU YOUNG WHIPPERSNAPPERS? IN MY DAY WE HAD TO SIT IN SHACKLES AND PADDLE THE GOD DAMN BOATS OURSELVES AND INSTEAD OF WINE AT DINNER THEY GAVE YOU A CRUST OF BREAD AND MADE YOU SOP UP YOUR OWN BLOOD SWEAT AND PISS WITH IT AND THAT IS WHAT YOU ATE FOR DINNER! AND WE LIKED IT! But you know, maybe there will be some single broads over 17 but under 30. That'd be sweet. Here's a look at the nightclub the ship offers, at least. It just better not be a bunch of old biddies in there swing dancing to Django Reinhardt songs.

I guess am very apprehensive about this whole thing considering it's a free cruise.

On a more bizarre note, the cruise website does mention the "Single Partner Program" which is described thusly:

Each Holland America ship hosts a Solo Travelers party for singles to meet each other early during their cruise. Solo travelers enjoy enriching activities with mixers, cocktail parties, games and more. In total, there are more than 40 activities to meet other singles including: exercise classes, enriching lectures (select departures), line dance class, wine tasting and cooking demonstrations, Team Trivia contests, the daily quiz, sports challenges and more. Many of our Single Partner Program guests have become fast friends and some even book future Holland America cruises together.

Okay, that sounds pretty normal, right? Let the single old people date, cool, cool. But here is the picture at the top of the page:

And in case you're thinking, "Oh, that's obviously just a random picture of course," the filename is single_main.jpg. It was hand-picked for this section of the site. I am going on a cruise filled with old, interracial, lesbian swingers.

It's like Golden Girls and The Love Boat all rolled into one and by god I don't like it. On the other hand, I guess this would have made a great setup for a comedy...

Walls are the things that hold up ceilings

The majority of my stuff has finally been moved over to Murder Mansion by now. Clothes, a TV, and a computer are pretty much the only things left in my room at Wolf Creek. I've even got all my books arranged on the new bookcase alphabetically by author. Perhaps the biggest problem with my new room in its current state is that it has walls. Four of them. And they are hell of bare.

So now that all the big stuff is in, I can really get down to finding some decoration. A few months ago, I sat down and read the entire 4-year run of Achewood (which I would highly recommend sometime). Right now, they're having a sale on signed prints of any strip, and I think I may take them up on this for at least one item. I can slap one in a lil frame and it will be ever so nice on a plain white wall such as those in my room. Here are a few I am considering (please follow the links because I am at work and cannot host them elsewhere right now):

• http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05292003
• http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05302003
• http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04092003
• http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09142006
• http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06052003
• http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06102002

This is a very difficult decision for me. Another cliche option would be to get a Polish movie poster or two. It's hard to deny that a lot of those are pretty sweet, though. The $20 ones moreso than the $300. It'd be nice to find a decent Talking Heads poster too, but what can you do.

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VOCAB WORD OF THE DAY: Bronson (adj.)

I copped this word from my friend Mike, but essentially the term Bronson refers to anything so badass that it approaches the badass levels exhibited by Mr. Charles Bronson. He's a bad dude.

ex. Burning For You by Blue Oyster Cult has some Bronson riffage.

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I really hate the fact that Drew Carey is taking over for Bob Barker on The Price is Right. Seriously, Wayne Brady would be a better choice than him. On the other hand, he's better than John O'Hurley, who sounds like he's perpetually selling used cars. That simply does not work on a show that's all about giving away new cars. Rosie O'Donnell was never a legit contender. Let's not even open that can of worms, or I will see to it that you are eating worms from a can, my friend!

Speaking of giving away cars, somebody buy this and give it to me. The last car Bob Barker ever gave away. It is so sad. Sometimes I wonder if people see Bob just driving around in whatever he drives and just take it when he goes into the 7-11 to buy a Slurpee or something. I bet he'd be cool with it. What a chilled out laid back dude.

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On a more serious note, I'm listening to the song Savannah Smiles from Okkervil River's new CD and it occurs to me that I really hate songs about getting old and wasting your relationships with people, like this one, or Cat's in the Cradle by Harry Chapin, or Still Fighting It by Ben Folds, or That's Me Trying by William Shatner (which also features Ben Folds). It is also for this reason that Big Fish is one of the few movies that gets me all misty. I guess it's kind of a trite idea, but whatever.

I don't really know, but for some reason this theme has extra pathos for me. I guess I'm not a big fan of the concept of time in general. It's the ultimate nonrenewable resource.

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On a less serious note, I very nearly ate a Chapstick just now. It smelled like cherries.

I have a problem :(

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Here is another blog you can read when you are not reading my blog: This is a blog written by John Hodgman. It's better than mine. You should always read mine first so you will not be disappointed.

The Taxman Cometh

Today I was pondering American mythology, like often I do, and I realized: Is there another figure in American mythology so widely despised as The Taxman? Even traditionally hated characters like The Boogeyman have recently found friends, but this Taxman guy just can't catch a break. Musicians especially have it in for him; The Beatles most notably started the hate train with their song Taxman, but it quickly spread to all genres. Noted chillin' out expert Jimmy Buffett claims in his song Sunny Afternoon that the Taxman has "taken all his dough," and pop-punk pioneers The Descendents report in Everything Sucks that "Taxman came and took my money, now all my other bills are gonna be late." Even classic rockers like Creedence Clearwater Revival say in Fortunate Son that "when the taxman comes to the door, Lord, the house looks like a rummage sale." These statements seep and sop with resentment, but ironically, almost all members of the music community except Toby Keith claim to be liberal. Oh, the hypocrisy!

Personally, as a future lawyer, I am okay with the Taxman. Dude has a thankless job to do and he performs it with much efficiency. I like that.

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On an unrelated note, I'm flattered at the recent influx of people who want to use me as a booty call, but try to live within an hour of me or at least give a day's notice if you're gonna try and pull that. I do have a job, ladies. How do you think I stay so fly, so baller?

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Would anybody like to buy some really expensive toilet paper? It's only 30 bucks a roll; I would assume it is very soft. It's sold out right now but that's okay, since I assume you're not going to buy it anyway. I want to make a really expensive toilet paper with little flecks of gold leaf so it makes tiny little cuts on your butt, then you can sit in a big tub of liquor and get drunk all quick-like. It would truly be the Goldschlager of toilet papers.

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I WISH I HAD A POPULAR HAT.

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Brian, I don't know if you actually read this humble blog of mine, but I would argue that the great American Novel is not actually The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, but in fact To Kill a Mockingbird. I guess there's still some debate over whether that was ghostwritten by Truman Capote, but who cares, Shakespeare probably never wrote his own stuff either. If you disagree, I will debate you on this, but I can summarize my argument in one word: CHIFFAROBE.

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I don't think I've mentioned this here previously, but my latest bad R&B obsession is the omnipresent T-Pain. Dude's fat and ugly and can't sing, but somehow he's the hottest thing since potatoes right now. How can you not like a guy with lyrics like this, from the song Bartender:

She made us drinks
To drink
We drunk em
Got drunk
And now I think
She thinks I'm cool
She give a wink
I wink back
And now I think that
We gon have fun in the spot tonight

The drink/drink drunk/drunk rhyme scheme is pretty unstoppable. And this cat is pretty obsessed with winking his eye as a way to show that he "got the game;" he does it not only in this song but at least in R. Kelly's I'm a Flirt as well. Has anybody really done that since the 50's?

I hope one day I can be as talentless and successful as my boy T-Pain.

Harry Potter's friend Ron.. Mexico.

Allow me to be topical for a moment. By far the biggest sports story of the summer (besides Joey Chestnut cramming 66 hot dogs in his filthy maw) is Michael Vick (aka Ron Mexico aka Ookie)'s alleged participation in a dogfighting ring in southeastern Virginia. I would first like to point out that it is very difficult to be convicted of dogfighting in Georgia, where Vick lives for most of the year. As it stands, there are eyewitnesses who have seen him betting on and torturing dogs... in Virginia. Don't get me wrong, it's an awful thing and he's an awful human being, but apparently he's also dumb as hell on top of it.

Normally, federal charges don't get brought against you unless the feds think they're gonna win; I think their conviction rate is somewhere around 95%. He lied to the NFL commissioner Roger Goodell about his involvement, he's already been indicted, so why are they still letting him play? If you're gonna suspend guys for half the season for driving while not legally intoxicated, how can you not suspend a guy for actually committing a felony on this scale? My boy T-Zone doubts that Vick will even get jail time, on the basis that "they could only get Al Capone on taxes," which sadly could turn out to be true. As a Panthers fan, I can only hope they decide to make an example out of a superstar with him. His approval ratings are already at Bush levels (lol bush is dum).

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I still don't care about Harry Potter. You can't make me.

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LET ME TELL YOU HOW MY TOOTH BRUSHING WENT THIS MORNING

It went pretty well

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I'm a little bummed today but you know at least Mike Vick is probably going to jail and my tooth brushing went ok so there's that. Just not a whole lot crackin 'round Raleigh town on a sleepy Thursday night. A bit of a letdown to say the least.

Oh yeah, somebody wanted to know what kind of bug I killed for Skull and Bones. It was a praying mantis, I ate it and didn't even go to jail!

I will join a club

Lately I've been hearing a lot about a group called the Order of Skull and Bones which sounds like a lot of fun. What a crazy name! Your skull is bones! It is a secret society at Yale and I am thinking about transferring over there for my last year so I can join. It has all kinds of neat members like George Bush and George W. Bush. They do some pretty neat events and activities too, for example:

• Community service cleaning up adopted highways
• Broomball
• Monthly mixer with sister secret societies
• 9/11
• Killing JFK
• Genocide in Darfur
• Live Aid
• Skull and Bones Night at East Village

I am already preparing myself for all the crazy initiation rituals. I killed a bug!

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Earlier today I bought a Cherry Coke and all day I have been thinking it was a Dr. Pepper. I should probably stop drinking soda but they don't sell milk in vending machines. WHASSUPWITDAT!

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I wish I could sing so that I could sit around at work writing folksy little tunes and then go play them in a bar on an acoustic guitar and get discovered by Quincy Jones and he would take them and turn them into funk hits. But I can't so what's the use? Life is so bleak.

Also, did you know that the website for the American Mustache Institute is not blocked at work? Now you know! It seems pretty gay but I guess it's alright!