A Culinary Wonderland -or- The Only Thing Worth Seeing in Ohio

The only thing worth seeing in Ohio is a grocery store. Forget the Columbus Zoo and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and the sets where they filmed the Drew Carey Show. They suck. What doesn't suck, though, is Jungle Jim's International Market. Maybe it's just because I'm a food snob, but this place honestly holds more appeal to me than Disney World.

What is so special about a grocery store, you may ask. I will tell you forthwith.

First of all, it's four acres large. That is enormous. The produce section is an acre alone. Their meat and beer sections could be stores by themselves. I am salivating at the thought of it.

I am a bit of a carnivore, you see, and the weirder the meat the better (to an extent, no pig uteri please, Grand Asia Market). Besides the usual chicken and hot dogs and such, they offer kangaroo, ostrich, alligator, venison and wild boar. I WOULD KILL A KANGAROO TO BE ABLE TO EAT KANGAROO. Oh, oh, you want some cheese with that kangaroo? No worries, they have OVER 1600 TYPES OF CHEESE HOLY CHRIST ON A CRACKER. How about some wine? OVER 6,000 TO CHOOSE FROM. This brings to mind the dilemma wherein someone is given so many choices that they can't decide on one item and end up buying nothing, but that is a risk I would take.

The decor of this place is also pretty neat, and they give guided tram tours around the place for people to see it all. Other features include a cooking school, a honey department with 100 types of honey, an animatronic soup can, a selection of 950 hot sauces (the largest in America), and a big giant Robin Hood who stands guard over the British foods.

HELLO CHILDREN

I guess that is probably enough self-indulgent praise for a store I will probably never even enter, but the place seriously blows my mind. Check out the website if you have time, it's nuts. I leave you with this, the bathroom that was voted "Best Public Bathroom in America"



Anybody want to rent a refrigerated truck with me and take a road trip to Cincinnati?

The best youtube has to offer

Pop Lock and Drop It by the Rockfire Explosion Animatronic Jugband



Not surprisingly, I love the T-Pain part at 3:00. The puppet does main vocals and the ventriloquist does backup. AWESOME.

I think they finally killed that Umbrella song



Mandy Moore I love you but this is awful I am sorry



If you listen to this for too long you will be unable to control your bowels, just warning you

In other news

They have "pre-distressed guitars" now in much the same way they have pre-distressed jeans. These things are about $250 grand. The appeal is that they have the same dings and scratches as, say, Eric Clapton's old guitar. However, I'm willing to bet that you could just hit any old Strat with a hammer and tell people "These are the exact same dings and scratches that were on Clapton's guitar" and they'd still ooh and ahh just as much.

THE MUSIC WORLD IS SO DUMB

Alaska and Such

You know, you'd think that after a two-week hiatus and a trip to Alaska there would be more to talk about, but the cruise was surprisingly not interesting. Don't get me wrong, it was fun, but most of the stops were just tourist traps selling the same 5 pairs of underwear and boxes of smoked salmon over and over, and most of the cruise was spent on the ship eating or playing trivia or something. There were very few college or young professional-age people onboard, so by like 11PM the ship was totally dead except for a few in the casino. Ah well, c'est la vie. Nevertheless, here are some points of interest from the trip:

My Boy Hunky Dory

There's this Indonesian guy who calls himself "Hunky Dory" who works in the breakfast line and by the second day he pretty much knows everybody's name. After the first time he asked my name, he would shout "HELLO CHRIS HOW ARE YOU" every time he saw me. And then when I said "Doin' fine, how are you Hunky Dory?" he would shout "HUNKY DORY EXCELLENT" and give me a double thumbs up. What a badass. Not coincidentally, he is the Holland America Employee of the Year for 2007. Shine on you crazy diamond.

World's Wackest Cruise Director

Our cruise director was an Australian dude who made the same joke on three separate occasions, and the senile old people laughed every time. The Holland America ships are all named like "Oosterdam" or "Veendam" or something ending in "dam," and when the assistant cruise directors (one of whom was named "Baruch," wtf) would zing him, he would say "I hope you enjoy your next ship, mate, it's called the 'I don't have a job, damn.'" HILARIOUS. He also forgot how to host The Newlywed Game and everybody in the crowd yelled at him.

In his little bio they gave us, it said he went to school to be an acupuncturist. Let this be a lesson: Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be acupuncturists. Or cruise directors.

The Best Foods I Ate

Grilled Venison with Poached Figs and Polenta Cake
Chocolate Ginger Teardrop
Foie Gras with some stuff
Roast Rack of Lamb with Mint Oil

I averaged two appetizers, a soup, two entrees, and a dessert every night. I get the feeling the wait staff liked me the least of anyone at our table.

Also did you know that weinerschnitzel is actually just like a breaded pork cutlet rather than a sausage of some kind? I didn't either!

The Butchart Gardens

I am not much of a flower guy by any means, but the Butchart Gardens in Victoria, BC were by far the best place we went on the whole trip. $25 Canadian for entry gets you 32 acres of flowers and fountains and such and there are some bluegrass bands playing and lots of Japanese tourists wandering around. It was nighttime when we were there, but it was still very impressive, especially considering they only have 50 gardeners for 32 acres. I get the feeling my parents will probably be going back to Vancouver Island to vacation before too long, because my mom was seriously flipping out over the whole thing. You can take a little virtual tour if you want.

SkyMall

I really enjoy flying for some reason, despite the cramped seats and crying children. One of these is the new snack pack offered by Delta, which includes three items: Raisins, a chocolate chip shortbread cookie, and Parmesan-peppercorn cheese and crackers. Well, not cheese exactly. It's actually "Processed cheese product with Parmesan-type flavoring. They can't even get authentic fake Parmesan cheese. Amazing.

Another reason I love flying is the illustrious SkyMall, which is the only company in the world that sells things more ridiculous than Sharper Image. For example, let me introduce you to the Gravity Defyer Shoes. The ad for these shoes in the actual magazine is two pages, not to mention the most spectacular piece of advertising I've ever seen. You're greeted by this fellow:


DO YOU WANT A PAIR YET? LOOK HOW CRAZY THAT DUDE IS WALKIN! But if you're not convinced yet, let me give you a few excerpts from the ad's text:

It's almost as if Aeolus, the Greek god of wind, himself has taken his powerful wind out of his bottles and put it into each of the Gravity Defyer Shoes. Your entire body will receive an energy burst when you slip on the Gravity Defyer Shoes because your joints and spine will no longer feel the full impact of your high impact life.

We all have them, an expensive pair of dress shoes for those "special occasions". The shoes that look great and make our special someone admire us from head to toe at the company party or dinner reception. The shoes that world famous Secret Agents wear to the black tie party where they end up doing some reconnaissance before they are chased around a European city by evil henchmen. The kind of dress shoes that show class, style, and sophistication but are so uncomfortable you can't wait to take them off. With the Gravity Defyer Shoe, you will have all the sophistication of the uncomfortable dress shoes, but you won't want to take them off! You will feel like you can keep up with the best of the World Famous Secret Agents when you are wearing the Gravity Defyer Shoe.

These ethereal shoes will transport you through life with such vigor that your friends and family will hardly be able to recognize you. The Gravity Defyer Shoes will power your step, making your steps longer and your jumps higher. You might find that you are walking faster and may even find yourself showing up to those important meetings at work early! You might even find yourself joining a local basketball league.

Yeah, I'm sure I'll join a local basketball league. In these shoes.


I have insider information that LeBron's next shoes are gonna look just like this.

In other news classes start again tomorrow, but I don't think this semester should be too hard. My biggest concern right now is the LSAT, and filling out law school apps. I just hope I get in somewhere better than NC Central.

Ok that is all for now have a good day internet!

Back from Alaska

I took some pictures, which you can find here if you really want to see them.

Stories from the trip and why I love SkyMall to come in the days ahead.

The Adventures of Steely McBeam and Friends

I'm in a sports kind of mood today (and mad that I'm going to miss the Panthers' first two preseason games because of the cruise), so my apologies if you've seen these stories. Here are a few I wanted to share wit da blogosphere anyway. If you don't like sports I don't care read about them anyway!

Steely McBeam--that's the name of the Pittsburgh Steelers new mascot. The Steelers are perhaps the most traditional team in the NFL; as far as I know, they still don't even have cheerleaders, and I can't quite figure out what made them decide to go for a mascot first. Especially when the mascot in question looks like this:

Bill Cowher wouldn't have stood for this. That beam isn't even made of steel.

Also, I personally hate when any character, mascot or otherwise, is named after their job or job-related accessory they carry around. As such, "Steely McBeam" is probably the worst name since Arnold Schwarzenegger's pretzel-vending little buddy uttered the immortal line "Call me Pretzie!" in Hercules in New York. You know, because he sells pretzels. Yeah, it's awful.

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Marvin Austin, UNC's new defensive tackle mega-recruit, apparently hates pants. From the Charlotte Observer:

He was the last one in line to run through many of the defensive line drills, and position coach John Blake had to tell him to put his shorts back on after he took them off. Moments later, Blake had to tell Austin to tie the drawstring in his shorts because they were falling off his rear end.

Dude's taking his shorts off at practice for no good reason at all. I could make a UNC joke here but I'm going to take the moral highground and assume you already did that yourself.

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I still don't know what to think of the whole scandal with NBA ref Tim Donaghy betting on games in which he was the referee. On one hand, it's terrible for the NBA and that sucks. On the other hand, I don't really watch the NBA so I don't really care. If anything I'm going to call it a good omen, because now maybe somebody will take the time to investigate ACC refs Karl Hess and Ted Valentine. When those two get brought down for rigging games, you can tell everybody you heard it here first.

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Barry Bonds has a fat head and I don't really know anything else about him.

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LUNCH REPORT: Got hibachi steak on the company dime at some little Japanese place in Sanford called Yamamoto. It was 7 bucks and better than the steak I got at Kanki last weekend. We also had a tempura vegetables appetizer which mysteriously featured a giant rectangle of carrot (at least I think it was carrot).

The table also got some sushi, and I had an Alaskan roll in preparation for all the salmon I may or may not have to eat in the week ahead. It's one of the few fish I can stand, raw or not, and I mean, it was okay. Mainly just tasted like soy sauce and wasabi. I still don't get the cultural fascination with sushi, all of it I've tried has been really plain.

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WERE YOU PRIVY TO THIS INFORMATION??: It's very hot outside and I think my windshield is going to explode. NOW YOU ARE PRIVY TO IT!

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Less than two weeks til new Trapped in the Closet, and from the clip I saw on Best Week Ever it looks like these new chapters are gonna be HOT FIYAH. Get ready, world.

The Most Chill Youtube Video Ever

Here we have a fat kid with giant glasses listening to "Brick" by Ben Folds and savoring a Mountain Dew. He has a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles basketball hoop on the wall. Some people would be loath to post this. But not this kid. He is shameless in his enjoyment of "The Dew."



Look as he quaffs the nerd ambrosia, taking time to swish it in his mouth and detect every nuance of its citrus flavor. Marvel as he sniffs the drink's fine bouquet, with hints of vanillin and zesty aromatics. Gaze with wonderment as he savors the impeccable finish of the soda.

And then he finishes by crushing the can on his head. Unbelievable. You'd think people would make fun of this guy for his unhealthy beverage choice and jiggly chin, but there is only one youtube comment, and it is this:

GobbyRocks (11 months ago) Marked as spam

alright

People on youtube can't even watch a video of kittens playing without getting into some kind of racist shouting match, but this fellow has a decided calming effect on the masses. This is undeniably The Most Chill Youtube Video Ever.

Ripoffs and rip-ons

Most mornings, I ride a van to work with a bunch of my co-workers who like to read car magazines or sleep or just stare out the window like soulless cogs in the corporate clockwork. They are mostly good people, with the exception of the guy who drives the van. He is a vanpool Nazi. The monthly fee for August is $24, but for some reason this fee cannot be prorated, and since I have ridden exactly one time this month, this cat is trying to extract $24 from me for one trip to Sanford. HERE IS A FACT: If he thinks he's gonna get it out of me he is a DAMN FOOL.

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A lot of people like watching COPS but I don't really because I find it very depressing that there are so many people on there who apparently sell their shirts and teeth for crack and mullets. Don't the cops ever arrest anybody even remotely normal?! How about cracking down on some white collar crime, pigs?

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I am putting things in bold today for emphasis! Please let me know how you like this stylistic change! Also, what do you think about fat chicks? Not my bag, personally!

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I haven't eaten enough dried meats lately. No jerky, no chipped beef, no air-cured Italian salamis. You have no idea of the extent to which I feel I have let myself down with this failure.

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On the brighter side of food, here is today's LUNCH REPORT: Went out to Sanford's one and only Chinese buffet for lunch today. Not as good as RTP's Mr. Wok overall, but the fried plantains were full of flavor, and some they had some bizarre dish coated in sesame seeds and very dark-colored bread crumbs that they called peanut butter chicken, which turned out to be excellent. The coconut chicken was also pretty good--tempura chicken in some kind of thick, sweet coconut sauce. It was almost like a dessert. The whole thing was only like 6 bucks, too. I swear though, I wish these buffets would just feature fewer dishes and use higher quality meat. That is how you keep the people coming back. Maybe after our bar/concert venue opens up I will move on to revolutionizing the Chinese buffet market.

The weird thing is that my boss and our co-worker got some seriously morbid fortune cookies, which I have never seen before except on Rocko's Modern Life. One was something like "Life is full of disappointments. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." and the other was "Today will be a day of disaster. Attend to practical matters." Attend to practical matters? That seems more than a little ominous to me.

Mine was pretty boring and stupid, something about how "work is difficult but it is better to work than to beg." Not an outright death sentence like those other fortunes, but still not really a happy one. All in all, despite the few good dishes, the Sanford Chinese buffet is a total downer.

This wasn't really the brighter side of food after all, sorry everybody :(

Hello blog I missed you

I guess not a lot is new really since the last time I updated. I'm still living at Murder Mansion with no sign of poltergeist activity. We watched Poltergeist after moving in just to kinda say "what up dawg" to our ghosts and they seem to be pretty cool with that.

Only one more week at work, then going on the cruise. I have to put together a presentation of some sort to show what all I did this summer and perform for the higher-ups like some sort of circus freak. BONUS JOKE: How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler!

Here is a trend I like: "Crank Dat"

This is something that has recently sprung up in Southern rap and I don't really get it. It's a bunch of songs with basically the same steel drum beat and "YOOOOUUUU" sound clip and the title ""Crank Dat [Insert Snap Dance Here]". So then they play the song and you do the dance. I have no idea where these dances came from, but here are a few for your enjoyment. Don't play "Crank Dat Roosevelt" at work, it's dirty but retarded and hilarious.

Crank Dat Soulja Boy


Crank Dat Roosevelt

AND THESE GUYS ARE COUSINS

Crank Dat Dragonball Z

It's a new dance for y'all
It's the soulja boy
PSYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYCCHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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More updates to follow at work perhaps