Gettin Hell of Frisky With Some Verbage: A Culinary Wonderland -or- The Only Thing Worth Seeing in Ohio

The only thing worth seeing in Ohio is a grocery store. Forget the Columbus Zoo and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and the sets where they filmed the Drew Carey Show. They suck. What doesn't suck, though, is Jungle Jim's International Market. Maybe it's just because I'm a food snob, but this place honestly holds more appeal to me than Disney World.

What is so special about a grocery store, you may ask. I will tell you forthwith.

First of all, it's four acres large. That is enormous. The produce section is an acre alone. Their meat and beer sections could be stores by themselves. I am salivating at the thought of it.

I am a bit of a carnivore, you see, and the weirder the meat the better (to an extent, no pig uteri please, Grand Asia Market). Besides the usual chicken and hot dogs and such, they offer kangaroo, ostrich, alligator, venison and wild boar. I WOULD KILL A KANGAROO TO BE ABLE TO EAT KANGAROO. Oh, oh, you want some cheese with that kangaroo? No worries, they have OVER 1600 TYPES OF CHEESE HOLY CHRIST ON A CRACKER. How about some wine? OVER 6,000 TO CHOOSE FROM. This brings to mind the dilemma wherein someone is given so many choices that they can't decide on one item and end up buying nothing, but that is a risk I would take.

The decor of this place is also pretty neat, and they give guided tram tours around the place for people to see it all. Other features include a cooking school, a honey department with 100 types of honey, an animatronic soup can, a selection of 950 hot sauces (the largest in America), and a big giant Robin Hood who stands guard over the British foods.

HELLO CHILDREN

I guess that is probably enough self-indulgent praise for a store I will probably never even enter, but the place seriously blows my mind. Check out the website if you have time, it's nuts. I leave you with this, the bathroom that was voted "Best Public Bathroom in America"